Sunday, 14 August 2016

Feeling depleted.


Ugh. I. AM. TIRED. That about sums up everything for me for the past few weeks! I am just completely exhausted every single day at the moment - even more than usual and I'm finding it a real struggle. This is probably the worst fatigue I've ever been through (and that includes my normal endo fatigue - and pregnancy fatigue with endo fatigue on top!) but seriously, this is something else! I've even noticed myself slurring my words and dragging myself around - everything has felt like such an effort. I've also been really tearful and down - more than likely due to being so tired I'm sure because it's not like me to just feel like crying for no reason at all. 


I've been in a lot of pain with my fibromyalgia recently and I've started to get a lot of random symptoms happening more often like pins and needles in my fingers, swollen knuckles and fingers, itches that won't go away for days even though there is nothing there and twitches in my face and other areas. 


My period is due this week and I've not had any bleeding yet. In fact, I've not bled for what feels like ages! It's great. I'm so glad I decided to come off the pill! My period last month was 5 days long and apart from the obvious pain, it felt a lot easier to handle because of the length of it. I know it's not going to stay this way so I'm revelling in it while I still can. 




My acne, however, has been really bad and my face at the moment is one constant giant breakout. It doesn't really seem to have had a break this month so I'm not overjoyed about that. The photo above was taken at the end of last month and it's not gotten any better, in fact it's a lot worse around my mouth and chin area now. I think the time has finally come where I need to start looking at my diet and cutting things out again. The main thing I want to start cutting back on again is caffeine. Before having Hunter, I had been caffeine free for a few years but I cannot function without a cup of coffee in the morning and one at night now. Sometimes I have to have a third cup in the middle of the day too! It's not good. I don't feel healthy in the slightest at the moment. Though, over the last few weeks we have been pretty good with our dinners. We are having healthier meals, better portion sizes and every meal is crammed full of vegetables. In fact, sadly, I'm finding it quite fun to get as many vegetables in to a dish as I possibly can! I guess there is nothing wrong with that! I now need to work on my snacking and cut out the breakfast crumpets!


I've been having pretty bad anxiety over a few things - sometimes for no reason at all, just things in my head, but the main thing being my benefits. I suddenly realised earlier this week that we are now well in to the second half of the year, and with that another step closer to December when my 'safe zone' comes to an end. In my last post from 2014, March to be exact, titled "3 weeks in", I was waiting for a tribunal date for my appeal against the DWP after they revoked my 'support group' status. I mentioned in my first post this year, "Guess who's back, back again!", that I had to attend a tribunal in October 2014 and that I had won it but didn't go in to any further detail. Well, 2014 - in that 7 month wait I had to send the Tribunal Services all my evidence - I actually had to write to them while I was in hospital and wasn't sure at that point whether I would be out in time for the actual hearing! I literally sent them everything from the past 2 or so years to back up my case, including all my appeal letters stating every minute detail of what I was going through and how I had been treated by the DWP. I even went through all of their ridiculous paperwork where they were basically calling me a liar and saying it was impossible to bleed for 3 weeks (hello!? 7 month period!) and noted everything I could. 
Well, a few days after coming out of hospital, and 32 weeks pregnant, I waddled off to the hearing and I was so, so, so nervous. I met with a judge and a doctor, who, thankfully, seemed to know a lot about endometriosis and about what I was telling him (which was refreshing to say the least!). But, guess who couldn't be bothered to turn up and represent their side. Yup, the DWP. I actually felt quite at ease during the hearing because the judge and doctor came across as pretty understanding. I had to base everything on the time period in hand (not the circumstances I was under at the time). I had to explain how far I could walk before needing a rest and show them exactly on a map. I talked about the pain, what medication I was on and the incontinence issues I had at the time as well as the depression I had been suffering. When they called me back in, the judge explained that I had won my case and not only would I be put back under 'support group' status but that he was also granting me a 2 year break where the DWP couldn't reassess me. Anyway, that 2 year break finishes in December this year and I'm really starting to worry about it. I've heard that some people get left alone after winning a tribunal case against the DWP but will I be that lucky!? I reckon they are going to pounce on me and reassess me at the first opportunity they get! Nothing much I can do about it all just yet really. It's just a case of seeing what happens in December, but the worry - I can't stop thinking about it right now. I would absolutely love to get back to work and to not have to worry about the DWP stopping my benefits or have to worry about money anymore, but I don't know whether I'm coming or going at the moment with my health and then there is weighing up childcare options for Hunter along with how much money I get on benefits versus how many hours I would have to work to make the same amount. Would my health allow me to work those hours? Would I be able to find a job after being out of work due to my health and still have to take a lot of sick days? And there is the anxiety. I didn't realise I suffered with anxiety until my Phychologist pointed it out a few years back and then doctors since, but it feels all consuming at the moment. I'm definitely not depressed and I feel blessed with what we have, even with the big question marks over my health situation, but this is different. I'm struggling with leaving the house unless someone is with me, I'm constantly questioning myself over everything, thinking I'm boring people, thinking people don't like me, thinking, thinking, overthinking everything. I hate it. It's silly. But can I stop? No.

While I've not been posting, I have been working on things in the background and you may notice a few new things knocking around the old blog, including a new Glossary. It's a work in process and I keep finding new terms to add all the time but it's definitely useful to look at if you don't know what something means. I've also been adding to the Endometriosis Library and there are lots of new blog and resource links on it - hopefully they can be of some use to you all, and the About page has had an update and now also has the FAQ's section it in too. If there is something you are wondering about me then you might just find it there! I'm currently working on the Endo-What!? page and trying to write some new sections for that. I'll let you know when I eventually get that done!

On my last post, I mentioned about the Instagram account I've set up purely for the blog (@emlwy) and not being sure whether to keep it or not. Well I decided to keep plugging away at it and I'm really glad I've kept it now because it's allowed me to post and interact with a lot more people than on my personal account (@thatgrrlshireen) - though some would argue that I could have just done it from one account but, hey ho. Also, with the introduction of the 'Stories' feature, I've decided to do a quick little video each day to let you all know how I'm feeling health wise. I'm no You Tuber but it's quite fun so far! So, if you are on Instagram, be sure to come on over and say hey! I'm trying to post daily on the blog account and it's purely health related things, whereas my personal account is any and everything! So if you get bored of seeing my bare face telling you how tired I am on the @emlwy account, you can hop over to @thatgrrlshireen and see lots of photos of food or me videoing silly things!


I've also been trying to post daily on EMLWY's Facebook and Twitter and if you have messaged me on Facebook over the last few years, you will have now received a reply (yes, I was really that far behind!). It's nice to be up to date with everything but I do still have a mountain of emails to tackle. That's definitely my next job/challenge!


What else have we been up to?... 


The weather has been lovely recently, bar the odd few days where it's poured! But it's meant we've been able to spend a lot of time outside and Hunter's been loving it. I really hate when the weather is nice and I don't feel well enough to get out though.


We had a fun day out at Twycross Zoo a few weeks ago. I'd had a tough weekend on my own with a little boy who had just discovered the 'terrible two's'. Danny had been out on both the Saturday and Sunday and Hunter didn't like having a slightly different routine (or one that didn't involve his daddy) and boy did he show it! I was pretty exhausted with it so Danny took the Monday off work and we went out for the day. It was a lovely day and Hunter had great fun. We went in to the lemur enclosure and the lemur's ran across Hunter's path as he was toddling along and he wasn't phased in the slightest! I guess though that they are just as unusual as a cat or dog at this age!


We also went out for lunch with my mum and dad last week to celebrate mama's birthday which was nice. Unfortunately, Danny couldn't join us as he was working so I took lots of photos of my food to show him instead!


... Here I was feeling like I didn't have much to tell you all about recently, but this has ended up being a pretty long post considering! I did have a little writers block though - hence the silence. That and every single time I've picked up my laptop, little man has somehow distracted me! 


Anyway, I'm off for now folks. Hope you are all as well as can be and having relatively 'good-pain' days!


S.

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