Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Is this how happy feels?
OK, OK, OK.... I need to tell you all this first because I am positively thrilled right now. No. Not even thrilled. OVER THE MOON! I had my hospital appointment yesterday to discuss the next steps that should be taken having now recovered from my operation. Now, as you know, I've been in a lot of pain and the surgery didn't fix anything for me. In fact, things have probably been worse since then. But today I got the answer to my prayers. I didn't get to see the Prof. but instead saw one of his registrars - a slightly taller, slightly thinner version of the Prof.! I went through the treatments I've tried in the past and how I was feeling and... Well, hang on. There is something I do have to open up about first. It's something a few of you know about already but not really something I've discussed in detail on here because we didn't want everyone knowing. But, I want to shout it out to the world about what's happened so for that I have to explain...
Me and the boy have been trying for a little baby for over a year now and as you can see, we've not had any luck yet. We thought it might just happen after my surgery, once I was all cleared out, but sadly it hasn't happened like that for us. And now, with one side of my reproductive system totally screwed with scarring, adhesions and a blocked tube, well, I've not been holding out too much hope. Or is that the wrong phrase? I've been holding out all the hope in the world but it's not worked. I've felt like giving up many a time but how can you when your whole body aches for that one thing. I've spent the small hours of the morning crying in to my pillow. Sobbed in the shower. Been unable to be around people with babies even at some points. It's been hard but the Prof. told me to relax and stop worrying because it would happen. In fact, everyone has told me that. But still, I'm not pregnant. I know right now we are not in a perfect situation with me being unable to work right now, but when we decided to start trying it was all about starting before I turned 30 because I knew then it would take a while and I didn't want my fertility to drop and then start trying. There is always that part of you that thinks it's just going to happen straight away though. But it didn't and every month has just been a reminder that my body is screwed.
So... Back to my hospital appointment. So, I was saying I was telling the registrar what treatments I had previously tried and then I mentioned we had been trying for a baby. For a minute my heart stopped and I thought he was going to say there was nothing he could do for me but he mentioned something about a sub-fertility clinic and having to talk to the Prof. about it. So, off he trotted and BOOYAH I've been referred!!! I am so happy you would not believe!! It obviously doesn't mean we are going to have any easier a time getting pregnant but finally, someone is helping us. I have a plan set in place finally. Pain management (which will get me back to work and get our house together), the sub-fertility clinic (which will give us our precious little ones that we have dreamt about) and then once I have what I crave, a hysterectomy. My future is now mapped out and finally, a clear path has formed. We have a lot of tests and waiting to get through yet but, we're getting there. As for the pain, the Prof. said that I should just give myself more time. It's only been 3 months since the surgery and it may take a little longer to see some benefits. But, as soon as I get help from the pain management, that should be easier to cope with.
I was so nervous before my appointment, as you all knew, so thank you ALL for the good luck wishes. It worked and I could not be more grateful. I just pray we get our dream now.
At the same time as writing this, we've had the most terrible situation to deal with this last few days. I mentioned a while back, something a little cryptic, and how it had broken my heart. Well, I'm sure my Loulaboo won't mind me sharing this now, mainly because I'm hoping you can all help her a little. Loulaboo, Louise, is my bestest friend, my soul sister. She is the boys brothers girlfriend and they announced they were expecting a baby not long ago. I was devastated. Anyone else and I could have dealt with it. But my Loulaboo and Scotty? People I would see constantly? It took me a while, a lot of texts, 2 face to face meetings and a card as well as a big falling out to finally come to terms with it. And I did. It hurt but it wasn't just that they were having a baby. This baby was going to be my family, my little niece or nephew and I was going to be a part of it and there every step of the way with Lou. We gave them both a bit more space by moving the boy in to my house and they took shelter in the boys larger room while getting things sorted to move out in to their own home. But sadly, devastatingly (if that is even a word), Lou contacted me last week and told me she had started bleeding. She spent 2 days in and out of doctors surgeries, hospitals and urgent care centres only to be told nothing was wrong. On the 3rd day, she had a scan, which showed the baby had stopped developing at around 6 weeks. She would have been 12 weeks today. By the time she had told us she was pregnant, she had already lost the baby. We are all heartbroken. We all fell in love with 'bean' from the first moments and now the little one has gone. I've been trying to support Lou the best I can for the last few days. Scott is like his big brother, always positive and looking for the good in a situation, but you can see how upset he was too. But this is Lou's second miscarriage and she blames herself now. Goodness, maybe I should have checked with her before writing down such personal stories of her life. But, see, I'm hoping you can all lend her some wise old words, like you all do for me. Miscarriage is not a stranger to us endo sisters. I pray that I will never have to experience a loss like that, but I know some of you have. Have you got any beautiful words to tell her, or anything that would help her broken heart? Talking to friends and family is one thing, but talking to someone who has gone through the same experiences is the only true therapy.
I've named this post, 'Is this how happy feels?' but this has been a week of sadness and mourning and as happy as I am about our news, I feel completely helpless for my best friend. My family. I wish I could take everything back and make it better for her. But, much the same as my situation, when the time is right, we'll get what we so wish for. And until then, we have each other.