Wednesday, 6 March 2013
The worst week.
I've had a really crappy week since my last post. I mentioned that my period was late, well that night, my period started and boy, didn't I know it! I had a shower and had the strangest feeling in my tum. By the time I was finished, I couldn't even make my way upstairs again. When I did finally get back to my room, I just sat on my bed, curled up in agony and sobbed. It got to a point where I was worried I was going to end up in hospital again because the pain wasn't easing at all, even with Tramadol, Ibuprofen and Paracetamol. I eventually cried myself to sleep and prayed that I wouldn't wake throughout the night... And that's really how I spent the rest of the week too. In pain or crying. What a great week to have reduced my dosage of Tramadol!
The pain eased a tiny bit but it was still very bad and my period was so heavy it was just pouring out. I woke on Friday and spent the whole morning crying. I was just so absolutely fed up with the pain and angry at the world. Angry that I'd put so much on to this surgery working and then still being the exact same afterwards. I thought by now I'd be looking for work again and looking for our little house. But no, I'm still stuck at home, sitting on my bed, watching the world go by outside my window. Everything is exactly the same. I went through all those months of waiting and pain and anxiety of the operation for nothing. I really am at the end of my tether with it. How am I supposed to ever get back to work like this!? Every time the boy managed to calm me down, I'd start balling my eyes out again. I wanted to make him see that I am this worthless nothingness. That he could find someone so much better than me that could give him everything he wants. He would be able to have a life again that wouldn't involve fetching me cups of tea and sitting in my room all the time. He wouldn't have any of it though, just saying he wants me forever. Nothing else. But I constantly feel so guilty for having taken away so much from him. It's not just my life that this disease has taken, but his too. I am just utterly fed up with this situation and lost on what to do.
One good piece of news arrived in the post later that day. Looks like the DWP have granted me the benefits I need again. In fact, they go up in April by a whole £8 a month! I'm really relieved. At least that's that for another 6 months or so... Though I just realised I never told you all how my second assessment at the end of January actually went. I will eventually get around to a post on all of that!
So, yup, that's been my week. I've not been able to get out because of the pain so I've just been resting lots. The pain is easing slowly now though so I'm hoping to get out this Friday for a little bit of shopping with the boy... Fingers crossed anyway. I've just got to take it day by day still at the moment.