Monday, 4 February 2013
I thought this would be the end.
OK. So, after bleeding almost constantly from my operation anyway, I started my period just over a week ago (a week early) and then yesterday it started properly. Today? Today, I'm in agony. Not even kidding. My back, both shoulders, my arms, my tummy and legs are agony!!
I know the first period is usually worse but this is no different at all to what it was before. In fact, right now I'm in more pain than I have been for a long time - and that's saying something! I'm on more tablets today than I've been on for a while because my usual Tramadol/Ibuprofen concoction is not touching the pain.
Ugh. I'm so exhausted with this. I'm so desperately trying to be positive and keep my mood happier, but I'm not happy. I'm sad and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I can't get out of my hole. My antidepressants are making no difference at all. I want to give up. I'm tired and so fed up with this pain. I can't see past this. Right now I'd quite happily have everything taken out and risk it coming back again in the future for just a few years, a few days of relief. I'm not supposed to be in this much pain after all this. But nothing ever changes. All those months spent trying to be positive and being adamant that this would work and what for? Nothing! It's not worked. I'm sick of trying to be happy for others. I'm in pain and I'm upset and I don't want to live like this.
But it's not like I have a choice right now. At least until April, when I get to see the Prof., this is how it will be.
I feel crap. And worthless. And shit. I have nothing. I am nothing. Why is the boy with me? I can't offer him anything. We can't even bloody move out because I can't work. We can't do anything beyond this bedroom because I can't move! How is this fair on him? It's not. I am desperate to get back to work and earn some money. How is this a life? I know some would be happy for it but being in this much pain on a regular basis? Really? Right now I'm in a what's the point of anything mood.
I'm annoyed too that my pictures on here never correlate to how I'm actually feeling. It's a rare event now when I get dolled up though - no one wants to see what I actually look like right now. Blotchy faced, red, snotty nosed, crazy bed hair and comfy, less than attractive clothing - pyjamas in fact. Ugh.
Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.
I want to give up.