Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Her eyes are full of sadness.
I've fallen a little out of love again with the blog. It's hard writing your entire life down for the world to read and then feeling like no one is reading it or helping you. I know that there are a variety of reasons why I started this, and every now and then I do get some wonderful feedback about it and messages saying its helping those who do take the time to read it - but it's hard being on the other end. Writing itself can be therapeutic, like keeping a diary, but it doesn't seem to be helping me much at the moment.
The last few weeks I've almost felt somewhat pressurised in to keeping up to date with things and it's only when I took a step back last week that I realised all this time and effort was getting me no where. I am just a girl with endometriosis who doesn't have much else to do in her life so started writing her thoughts and feelings down for others to read in the hope someone might relate to it. If people don't, then they don't. I'm not trying to be little miss popular.
Blogging is hard work - especially when you haven't got the most interesting life to blog about or money to spend on fancy things to show off. But I'll be continuing on this route to keep my mind active and for those of you who do take the time to follow me.
I suppose though I've felt the same way about everything over the past week or so which hasn't helped in the slightest. I keep thinking about my counselling... Or lack of it. I so want to get my head clear and to be able to think straight again but I'm just waiting again for this liaison appointment to come through now. And in the meantime I'm stuck here with my bad thoughts and sadness.
My pain has been terrible again too - after having such a good period - and so I've not been able to do much at all again. Sitting here in bed, snuggled up with a hot water bottle, hot drinks and re-runs of Jeremy Kyle might be comforting but it's so frustrating. It doesn't matter how many times I repeat it but I am desperate to get my life back. Desperate beyond words. In some ways it worries me because I wonder if it's bad to pin all my hopes on an operation that hasn't worked for me in the past.
I'm trying to be positive but some days it's hard. I've got little goals set to get me through to my operation but it's easy to lose sight of them.
I feel very alone sometimes and like my little voice isn't being heard.